Seeking My Avalon

Eleven More Days

2010-07-26T12:20:00.000-07:00

Eleven more days till the divorce is complete. It has been a long painful road. More pain then what I wanted or needed, but in the time I have grown. The pain was to be expected. Any time you involve splitting apart a family there will always be pain.

Its been a long while since I have wrote. So here is the cliff notes to the last 18 months. Last May Wood and I had a bit of a falling out but we have worked through most of it. Danielle was very ill and spent last summer in the hospital and had gone into renal failure but has recovered completely. I spent Thanksgiving, Christmas by myself mostly due to the fact that Wood's family are having some issues of their own. Dipshit moved out of the house in March but has been paying all the utility bills. He filed bankruptcy at the last minute in December when this divorce should have been over so it put everything on hold for a bit longer. His lawyer quit on him so he is doing it himself. I have been looking for a job but have not found one so I will be looking into applying for government help. I hate the fact that I am doing this. It is not the way how I was raised. You worked for what you had. But I can see no other way. I do want to go to school and will be looking into that also. Kathrina's ADHD has now been changed to Bipolar/ADHD. Sarah is getting some extra help at school for her ADD. The house has been foreclosed on and we have about a year left in it due to the amount of foreclosures in the area. Which is good Danielle has one year left in school then she will be moving on with her life, I hope. So there you go the cliff notes.

Here I stand with eleven more days being married for all the wrong reasons, getting divorced for the right ones and looking to the future with my eyes open to the possibilities.

Life

2009-05-21T07:59:00.000-07:00

When we are growing up the things that we want to do with our lives usually never come to pass. When I was growing up I wanted to be an architect. I wanted to build beautiful homes. When my father would mow the grass it was my job to rake the clippings. I would rake them up into house plans. As I grew I still knew that was what I wanted to be. After high school I became a mom. I never did follow my dream of building beautiful homes. Taking care of my daughter became my career. I took small part time jobs so that I would be home with her. I worked for a daycare center, serve lunches in the school, did tutoring for high school at risk students, drove a bus, worked in a library. My daughter grew, and feeling a bit unfulfilled I wanted to school, but life stood in the way again. I became pregnant with my second child. Again I put my dreams on hold for my children. I took a job at a daycare center when she got a bit older and drove a bus for them again. Soon I found that I was expecting again. My life again on hold for my children. I went to work at nights so that I could be with them during the day. Soon it got to be to much to deal with and I went on with my life. My daughters grew, one graduated from high school and went on to college. The others started school. Now I sit here at a cross roads of my life, having filed for divorce. What am I to do? Where am I to go? Can I afford to go back to school and find a job to support me and my girls or is it just another pie in the sky? Life deals you a hand sometimes its a good one but sometimes its a bad one. Right now I am trying to figure out should I play the hand that was dealt or just fold. At 43 years of age can I learn to stand on my own. I never have really lived on my own before. I was always living the life of a mother and wife. Who am I is a question I ask myself often. Am I worth what others see in me.

Divorce Sucks

2009-03-02T12:23:00.000-08:00

After being separated from the royal Dipshit for over 6 years I filed for divorce. Not an easy task for one. I would not suggest for anyone to go into this lightly either. Dipshit and I have shared the same house for the last 6 years. Why? Well for one I had no money to file. He sure wasn't going to do so cause he likes things just as they are. The other reason was I really didn't want to uproot my girls and not have some plan in place. After living the way how I have been living for the last few years I had to make my move. I tried talking to the Dipshit about how we were going to do this but he is a bit like an ostrich and sticks his head in the sand hoping that things will go the way how he wants. One of the things that he wanted is joint custody, fine with me they are his children too. I don't plan on keeping them from him. The other is that he wants me to split the bills. Whoa Nelly I am to pay half of his truck, credit cards and such his. Half of $10000 that I never had a hand in? I don't think so. I do think that he thinks that I will roll over and be the nice one and say okay. Hell I have my own bills too. And with me not working it makes things even harder. I do know that I want this over with soon. I have to move on with my life, my wants, and my needs.

It has been a long time.

2009-01-12T11:25:00.000-08:00

Wow it has been a long time since I wrote a blog. Well a bit of catchup. I spent Thanksgiving with Wood. Spent Christmas with Wood and told Dipshit I want to go on with my life. I got old in December. Talked with a lawyer about things. and that is about it. There you are all caught up.

Friends

2008-11-17T17:56:00.000-08:00

Today was one of my best friend's birthday. We had lunch together and talked about how old we were growing. We set a date to meet another friend that I have kept in contact with over the years. I was thinking about the friends that I have. I have really close friends, good friends, old friends and Internet friends. Some have children the same age as my oldest and some have children younger. Each of us have faced different trials and rewards. We have relied on each other for support, guidance and friendship. Some have come and gone in my life and some I have reconnected after a long period of time. In our lives, many of us out grow some friendships and some of them we grow into them. Friends of old come and go in our lives like memories. We see each other from time to time talk about old times catch up with our lives and see were we have gone. Our paths are different, some smooth and some rocky. We laugh together about the old times and see each other in a different light. There are different groups of friend that have come in my life at different times. There are the ones that I got to know when I was on a bowling league. We remained in touch with each other from time to time. See each other around town. One became a very good friend that moved but we still talk to each other at least twice a week. One I see everyday when I take my girls to school. We chat with each other and promise to call when we have time. Seems like the time is never there both of us living very busy lives. There are my friends who are on-line. Though we have never met I still have connected with each of them Most are younger than me some near my age but still we have a common bond. Motherhood. We talk about raising our families what is going on in our lives bounce ideas off each other, cry about our disappointments, laugh at our mistakes. We send each other Christmas cards, birth announcements, party invitations. We tell each other our secrets and plans. My friends come in different sizes, different places, different ways, but best of all they are my friends and I thank the Gods for them for without them I would be empty.

Confessions

2008-11-11T19:24:00.000-08:00

As I sit here in my messy kitchen I think about when was the last time I went to Confession. They say confession is good for the soul. It does relieve stress guilt pain at least for yourself. You can let go of the guilt you feel when you do confess but your guilt might just cause another ones pain.

As a mother I know that I do have a few confessions that I should make. Yes I did eat the kids Halloween candy, I blamed the dogs for it. I also threw away those papers that you claimed that you could not live without. I didn't wash your jeans that you wanted to wear tomorrow, I will face that one in the morning. I lost my temper with you in the morning and screamed. I am sure that there are more if you talk to my girls.

There are a few confessions that as a daughter I should make too. Mom it was me that stole your cigarettes not my brother. I also lied about spending the night a Melisa's house. I did go to that party you told me that I could not go to. Dad it was me that took your tools and did not put them back. I should also make a few confessions to my siblings too. I was the one that made you eat mud. It was my idea to tie you up to the tree and leave you there so I could play with my friends without you.

As a friend there are a few also. I did talk about you behind your back. I didnt stick up for you when I should have. I didn't answer the phone when you needed to talk.

All in all I have tried to be a good person. I tried to be a good mother, good daughter, good sister, and a good friend. I am sure if you talk to my family and friends they will say that I have done so.

Apples Anyone

2008-10-14T10:15:00.000-07:00

I love fall. I love fall in the Midwest best. The colors, smells, crisp air,This past weekend Wood and I took the girls and the grand kids apple picking. There is a grove not far from his place in Indiana. We thought that it would be a fun thing to do with all the kids. There is nothing like taking a group of kids out. Wood has 6 grand kids but only 4 could come plus my 2 girls made a group of 6. Well I took off to his daughters house to pick up two and he went to his sons house to pick up the other two. Once we had the kids we went to the orchard for some picking. We had no idea that it would be so busy but it was. There was a band playing country rock music, horse rides and hay rides. This place had rows and rows of apple trees of all kinds. Sadly my favorite, honey crisp, was already past season. The kids enjoyed themselves climbing the trees for the apples and throwing them down to us. Once they had filled their bags we went on to weigh them and pay for what we had picked. Those kids had picked almost 100 pounds of apples. Everyone went home with 1/2 bushel. The kids had a a good time and so did we. So what to do with so many apples?

Adult time

2008-10-03T14:27:00.000-07:00

Boy do I need a weekend with out the girls. They are few and far between. Dipshit is not the kind of person that wants to be with his kids. Or so it seems. He always has an excuse why he can not take them for the weekend. This will be the last weekend I can take for a few weeks too. On the 15th I have my hysterectomy. So I can't just take off and leave for a few weeks. Wood better look out too. I plan on relaxing putting my feet up and taking it easy. Maybe we can take in a movie too. We did the last time I didn't have the girls boy it was nice too.

Update on Brownie:
She is doing fantastic. She is up moving around and feeling a bunch better. She is even going upstairs again at night without help. Next week I plan to take her for walks.

Knowing when it is time to say goodbye.

2008-09-22T21:29:00.000-07:00

How do you know when it is time to say goodbye to a part of your family? Do you let her suffer just to put your mind at ease? Do you try to hang on to every bit of time you can? Or is it better just to let go? How do you know? These are questions I have been asking myself for a few months. My beautiful sweet loving dog Brownie has not been doing well. She is 12 years old. But she is such a good dog. She listens so well, never has bitten any of the girls, never got on my bed or furniture. You could leave the gate open and she would not leave the yard. I could take her on car trips and she would sit in her seat just like a kid. I could take her on walks with out a lead, she wouldn't run off. I could leave her all day in the house and come home late and there would be no messes on my floor. She would listen to commands like Sit, Speak, Lay Down and preform for you. She would let you know if someone would come to the house before they would ring the door bell. She would greet people politely never jumping on them. She loved to play fetch and chase. She could catch popcorn like crazy. She hated water and would not go outside if it was raining with out you going with her. She loved to be petted on and would just let you rub her head till the hair fell out if you would. She is a great companion. When the girls were babies and they would cry she would get very upset if I didn't take care of them right away. She would lay in the girls room with them while they slept keeping watch over them. Is it fair of me wanting to hang on to these things and not let go? I was raised in a house that a pet is family. You love them like they are part of your life. So when is it time to say goodbye? A dog can't tell you how much pain they are in. They can't say "Hey I don't feel well." These are things that you have to determine. So this week I will be taking Brownie to the vet to see just how much longer I can hang on to my loving sweet Brownie.

TGIF

2008-09-12T14:43:00.000-07:00

Awwww its Friday. Yea for Friday. I love Friday. I usually go to Woods on Fridays but tonight he is taking the grandsons to a hunters education course. So I will be hanging here at the hell hole trying to stay out of Dipshits way. Tomorrow I am going to Woods. Yea for Saturday. I love Saturdays.

2008-09-11T14:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder if politicians have any sort of brains. First let me say that the state of Illinois is flat ass broke. The start of the school year in Chicago saw protest of state funding. Which by the way they get the same per student as the school that my child is in from the state. Parents are upset that the schools are underfunded, old falling apart school buildings, over crowded, old materials etc. and they have a right to be. Now I hear that Chicago schools are going to pay children for good grades. Where the hell is the money going to come from? A child can earn as much as $4000.00 in a school year, $50 for a A. Why not put this money back into school? Why not reward these children with college educations? Why not tell these kids that if you make a 3.5 grade point avage that you can attend college and get a degree? Why not give these kids something to work for in the future? Give them a way out of the slums of the city? Or are these politicians to scared that if they do that these kids might have enough brains to see that politicians are all idoits.

What a Weekend

2008-09-07T19:08:00.000-07:00

Most weekends I spend with Wood in Indiana. I pack the van while the girls are in school with things that they want and overnight bags so we can hit the road as soon as they get home. I know that I will always hit the weekend traffic so I want to get on the road early and get the heck out of town. That is not always the way things go. Here is just a sample of what I deal with.

3:30 - Pick Sarah up at school. Kathrina rides her bike so she will meet us at the house.

3:40 - Waiting for Kathrina to get home. Still not home.

3:45 - Kathrina finally home, bike chain broken. Okay no big deal fix that on Monday.

3:50 - Sarah is hungry. Fix her a quick snack.

3:55 - Kathrina wants to bring her dog with us. This is not possible.

3:56 - Kathrina has a melt down.

4:15 - After talking with her father and asking him can she stay here with him and him saying that no he is busy she finally gets in the van.

4:20 - Start to pull out of the driveway

4:21 - Pull back in Sarah forgot to go to the bathroom.

4:30- Finally on the road call Wood and let him know that we are on our way.

After getting on to I80 and traveling about 10 miles I hit backup. For some damn reason so idiot form IDOT thought that it would be a great idea to put in a new toll way connecting the northwest suburbs of Chicago to the southwest suburbs and not adding a new lane to handle all the new traffic. We are backup from Joilet to Mokena. About 20 miles. I finally get out of that traffic and it is smooth sailing to the exit for Woods.

We get to Woods about 6:30 and put on pizza's for dinner. Friday night is always pizza night. We settle in for a night of SciFi.

I will write more about the weekend later.

A Bit About Me

2008-09-05T10:54:00.000-07:00

I am a mother of three girls, Danielle 23, Kathrina 10, and Sarah 6. I am currently seperated but still living with Dipshit. I am looking for work but have yet to find anything. I have someone very special named Wood that I try to spend as much time as I can with. I like to read, cook, garden, and raise my girls. There are times that I want to pull out my hair and scream. As they say screaming is good. My girls are my life. Danielle is in college doing a double major for secondary education and science. Kathrina is in fourth grade and is discovering boys. Sarah is in first grade and makes me laugh all the time.