Eleven More Days

Eleven more days till the divorce is complete. It has been a long painful road. More pain then what I wanted or needed, but in the time I have grown. The pain was to be expected. Any time you involve splitting apart a family there will always be pain.

Its been a long while since I have wrote. So here is the cliff notes to the last 18 months. Last May Wood and I had a bit of a falling out but we have worked through most of it. Danielle was very ill and spent last summer in the hospital and had gone into renal failure but has recovered completely. I spent Thanksgiving, Christmas by myself mostly due to the fact that Wood's family are having some issues of their own. Dipshit moved out of the house in March but has been paying all the utility bills. He filed bankruptcy at the last minute in December when this divorce should have been over so it put everything on hold for a bit longer. His lawyer quit on him so he is doing it himself. I have been looking for a job but have not found one so I will be looking into applying for government help. I hate the fact that I am doing this. It is not the way how I was raised. You worked for what you had. But I can see no other way. I do want to go to school and will be looking into that also. Kathrina's ADHD has now been changed to Bipolar/ADHD. Sarah is getting some extra help at school for her ADD. The house has been foreclosed on and we have about a year left in it due to the amount of foreclosures in the area. Which is good Danielle has one year left in school then she will be moving on with her life, I hope. So there you go the cliff notes.

Here I stand with eleven more days being married for all the wrong reasons, getting divorced for the right ones and looking to the future with my eyes open to the possibilities.

Life

When we are growing up the things that we want to do with our lives usually never come to pass. When I was growing up I wanted to be an architect. I wanted to build beautiful homes. When my father would mow the grass it was my job to rake the clippings. I would rake them up into house plans. As I grew I still knew that was what I wanted to be. After high school I became a mom. I never did follow my dream of building beautiful homes. Taking care of my daughter became my career. I took small part time jobs so that I would be home with her. I worked for a daycare center, serve lunches in the school, did tutoring for high school at risk students, drove a bus, worked in a library. My daughter grew, and feeling a bit unfulfilled I wanted to school, but life stood in the way again. I became pregnant with my second child. Again I put my dreams on hold for my children. I took a job at a daycare center when she got a bit older and drove a bus for them again. Soon I found that I was expecting again. My life again on hold for my children. I went to work at nights so that I could be with them during the day. Soon it got to be to much to deal with and I went on with my life. My daughters grew, one graduated from high school and went on to college. The others started school. Now I sit here at a cross roads of my life, having filed for divorce. What am I to do? Where am I to go? Can I afford to go back to school and find a job to support me and my girls or is it just another pie in the sky? Life deals you a hand sometimes its a good one but sometimes its a bad one. Right now I am trying to figure out should I play the hand that was dealt or just fold. At 43 years of age can I learn to stand on my own. I never have really lived on my own before. I was always living the life of a mother and wife. Who am I is a question I ask myself often. Am I worth what others see in me.

Divorce Sucks

After being separated from the royal Dipshit for over 6 years I filed for divorce. Not an easy task for one. I would not suggest for anyone to go into this lightly either. Dipshit and I have shared the same house for the last 6 years. Why? Well for one I had no money to file. He sure wasn't going to do so cause he likes things just as they are. The other reason was I really didn't want to uproot my girls and not have some plan in place. After living the way how I have been living for the last few years I had to make my move. I tried talking to the Dipshit about how we were going to do this but he is a bit like an ostrich and sticks his head in the sand hoping that things will go the way how he wants. One of the things that he wanted is joint custody, fine with me they are his children too. I don't plan on keeping them from him. The other is that he wants me to split the bills. Whoa Nelly I am to pay half of his truck, credit cards and such his. Half of $10000 that I never had a hand in? I don't think so. I do think that he thinks that I will roll over and be the nice one and say okay. Hell I have my own bills too. And with me not working it makes things even harder. I do know that I want this over with soon. I have to move on with my life, my wants, and my needs.

It has been a long time.

Wow it has been a long time since I wrote a blog. Well a bit of catchup. I spent Thanksgiving with Wood. Spent Christmas with Wood and told Dipshit I want to go on with my life. I got old in December. Talked with a lawyer about things. and that is about it. There you are all caught up.

Friends

Today was one of my best friend's birthday. We had lunch together and talked about how old we were growing. We set a date to meet another friend that I have kept in contact with over the years. I was thinking about the friends that I have. I have really close friends, good friends, old friends and Internet friends. Some have children the same age as my oldest and some have children younger. Each of us have faced different trials and rewards. We have relied on each other for support, guidance and friendship. Some have come and gone in my life and some I have reconnected after a long period of time. In our lives, many of us out grow some friendships and some of them we grow into them. Friends of old come and go in our lives like memories. We see each other from time to time talk about old times catch up with our lives and see were we have gone. Our paths are different, some smooth and some rocky. We laugh together about the old times and see each other in a different light. There are different groups of friend that have come in my life at different times. There are the ones that I got to know when I was on a bowling league. We remained in touch with each other from time to time. See each other around town. One became a very good friend that moved but we still talk to each other at least twice a week. One I see everyday when I take my girls to school. We chat with each other and promise to call when we have time. Seems like the time is never there both of us living very busy lives. There are my friends who are on-line. Though we have never met I still have connected with each of them Most are younger than me some near my age but still we have a common bond. Motherhood. We talk about raising our families what is going on in our lives bounce ideas off each other, cry about our disappointments, laugh at our mistakes. We send each other Christmas cards, birth announcements, party invitations. We tell each other our secrets and plans. My friends come in different sizes, different places, different ways, but best of all they are my friends and I thank the Gods for them for without them I would be empty.

Confessions

As I sit here in my messy kitchen I think about when was the last time I went to Confession. They say confession is good for the soul. It does relieve stress guilt pain at least for yourself. You can let go of the guilt you feel when you do confess but your guilt might just cause another ones pain.

As a mother I know that I do have a few confessions that I should make. Yes I did eat the kids Halloween candy, I blamed the dogs for it. I also threw away those papers that you claimed that you could not live without. I didn't wash your jeans that you wanted to wear tomorrow, I will face that one in the morning. I lost my temper with you in the morning and screamed. I am sure that there are more if you talk to my girls.

There are a few confessions that as a daughter I should make too. Mom it was me that stole your cigarettes not my brother. I also lied about spending the night a Melisa's house. I did go to that party you told me that I could not go to. Dad it was me that took your tools and did not put them back. I should also make a few confessions to my siblings too. I was the one that made you eat mud. It was my idea to tie you up to the tree and leave you there so I could play with my friends without you.

As a friend there are a few also. I did talk about you behind your back. I didnt stick up for you when I should have. I didn't answer the phone when you needed to talk.

All in all I have tried to be a good person. I tried to be a good mother, good daughter, good sister, and a good friend. I am sure if you talk to my family and friends they will say that I have done so.

Apples Anyone

I love fall. I love fall in the Midwest best. The colors, smells, crisp air,This past weekend Wood and I took the girls and the grand kids apple picking. There is a grove not far from his place in Indiana. We thought that it would be a fun thing to do with all the kids. There is nothing like taking a group of kids out. Wood has 6 grand kids but only 4 could come plus my 2 girls made a group of 6. Well I took off to his daughters house to pick up two and he went to his sons house to pick up the other two. Once we had the kids we went to the orchard for some picking. We had no idea that it would be so busy but it was. There was a band playing country rock music, horse rides and hay rides. This place had rows and rows of apple trees of all kinds. Sadly my favorite, honey crisp, was already past season. The kids enjoyed themselves climbing the trees for the apples and throwing them down to us. Once they had filled their bags we went on to weigh them and pay for what we had picked. Those kids had picked almost 100 pounds of apples. Everyone went home with 1/2 bushel. The kids had a a good time and so did we. So what to do with so many apples?