Thursday, May 21, 2009
When we are growing up the things that we want to do with our lives usually never come to pass. When I was growing up I wanted to be an architect. I wanted to build beautiful homes. When my father would mow the grass it was my job to rake the clippings. I would rake them up into house plans. As I grew I still knew that was what I wanted to be. After high school I became a mom. I never did follow my dream of building beautiful homes. Taking care of my daughter became my career. I took small part time jobs so that I would be home with her. I worked for a daycare center, serve lunches in the school, did tutoring for high school at risk students, drove a bus, worked in a library. My daughter grew, and feeling a bit unfulfilled I wanted to school, but life stood in the way again. I became pregnant with my second child. Again I put my dreams on hold for my children. I took a job at a daycare center when she got a bit older and drove a bus for them again. Soon I found that I was expecting again. My life again on hold for my children. I went to work at nights so that I could be with them during the day. Soon it got to be to much to deal with and I went on with my life. My daughters grew, one graduated from high school and went on to college. The others started school. Now I sit here at a cross roads of my life, having filed for divorce. What am I to do? Where am I to go? Can I afford to go back to school and find a job to support me and my girls or is it just another pie in the sky? Life deals you a hand sometimes its a good one but sometimes its a bad one. Right now I am trying to figure out should I play the hand that was dealt or just fold. At 43 years of age can I learn to stand on my own. I never have really lived on my own before. I was always living the life of a mother and wife. Who am I is a question I ask myself often. Am I worth what others see in me.